Parents

My mom told my dad to get out and he did.  Like the big strong man that he is, he avoided his problem by running.  They'll make up soon, they always do.  Parents aren't really mature when you think about it.  At least mine aren't.  They can create drama out of anything.  Makes me not want to get married.  He refuses to own his shit.  She can't see her own.  Couple of big babies.

My Papa was just diagnosed with Parkinson's.  Great.

My life is unraveling before my very eyes and it's like a car crash.  You want to look away but you can't.  I guess I'll just sit idly by while it all goes to crap.

Depression is like a warm bed.  When you wake up in the winter, you don't want to leave.  But eventually you get up.  After all, you have things to do.  You can't live your life properly if you're just laying in bed.  But once you get out of bed and feel that bitterly cold air, you start to think "I mean I can take online classes, right?  Who needs a job?  I'll just take those online surveys...I'll be good."  Depression becomes my warm cozy nook.  I'm not a fan of change.  It will take me a while to climb out of this pit I've dug.

Still recovering from my heart being obliterated.  Fuck boys.  Who needs 'em.  They're never who they say they are.  They're really good at tricking you into trusting them.  Don't do it.  You can't take back your secrets.  Keep them.  No one else deserves to know them.

My anxiety really bit me in the ass the other day.  I was set to audition for the play and freaked out last minute.  Second time that's happened this year.

I keep reliving my worst bullying experiences.  Whoever said that bullying makes you stronger was a complete moron.  I can't even sleep sometimes.  Stop romanticizing the aftermath.  Stop portraying bullying victims as strong people that don't care what others say.  It's inaccurate and absurd.  I'm so sensitive, sometimes the smallest thing can trigger a memory and send me on an emotional trip.  I'm trying to get help but I'm just so damn busy.  But of course there's time for me to get a job.

My sister's already messing shit up in college.  Changed her major, had 2 boyfriends and it's not even semester.  I just want her to be healthy and to be herself.  I hope a good guy finds her and helps her.  Heaven knows she needs it.

I forgot to write a 2 page paper.  Whoops.

Going to apply for a job tomorrow.  Yay.

I just told him a secret.  Why do I keep doing that?  I wish I wouldn't have.  I've become so compulsive lately.

My weight it getting worse and I have absolutely no fucks to give.

This whole blogging thing is pretty nice.  Mostly because I have no responsibility or reputation to uphold as a faceless name.

That's all for now.

Boys Suck

Here is the deal.  I liked you so much I was almost in love with you.  The conversations we had were unreal and unlike any I had ever had.  For the first time in my life I could actually see myself dating someone, and that someone was you.  I loved your eyes and your smile.  When you smile something inside me cries because its so goddamn beautiful.  The way you fixed your hair with your rough hands made me want to cry.  You didn't have any clue.  For 3 months, I was fixated on you.  I looked forward to talking to you every day.  3000 messages in 3 weeks.  When you told me you still loved her, I put aside my feelings to help you.  One day I mustered up the courage to say that "I used to like you".  It was a lie, but I wanted to see where it would get me.  You said, "Well I'm glad we are friends."


O H


So after conversations at 3 am about our deepest fears for 3 months you want to tell me that you think of me as a friend.  Okay.
I can't believe I almost loved you.

You say you are still in love with her and there is no one else for you.  You need time to move on.  I accept this and try to suppress my feelings.
2 fucking weeks later you have a new girlfriend.  She's a blond twig with the personality of a dead fish.  But at least she doesn't care about anything.  Thats trendy now right?
Your apathy towards everything irritates me.
I can't believe I almost loved you.

I poured my soul into the things I wrote you.  I told you my secrets, and it hurts to know I can't get them back.  I saw us together, and you saw us......no, you didn't see us.  You never gave me a fucking chance.  I could make you so happy.  I could be your rock.  But I already am.  It's like we have a relationship without the benefits.  Well I'm done.
Being friends with you is torture.  Everyday when I give you a ride to school, I can't even look at you.  I'm disgusted by your face.  But I love it.  Your sweaters are stupid.  But I love them.  You sing off key to the radio.  But I love it.
I can't believe I almost loved you.

You're immature.  I should've listened to my friends.  I'm a fucking idiot for believing you were different.  I hope that someday you look back and wonder what happened to me.  And when you message me because you have no one, and you think "Why didn't we date?", I will ignore you.  You don't like me....big fucking deal.  I'll never show you how I really feel.  These feelings are private.  And you don't deserve to know them.
I can't believe I almost loved you.

I'm trying to move on, but you think everything is a-okay.  I try to keep my distance but you think we're the best of friends.  Believe it or not, I do not want to hear about your 14 year old girlfriend's plan to get a cool tattoo.  Leave me be.
I can't believe I almost loved you.

So here's to another failed attempt to fill the gaping whole in my heart.  Serves me right for trusting someone.
If history repeats itself, it will take me about 6 months to get over you.   That's 9 months I can't get back.  Thanks.  Thanks a lot.

I can't believe I thought that maybe, deep down, you loved me too.